Reading

The best gift you can give a person is the gift of unconditional love. I think that's what someone said one time. 

But right after that, the greatest gift you can give is the one of reading and knowledge. 

Seriously, a book is the best gift in the entire world. It's an adventure that can fit in your pocket (or purse). It's a friend you can turn to. It's a story that never grows old. 

Reading is one of the great joys of life. Right behind napping. And, we should probably throw eating in there too, because seriously, who doesn't enjoy eating? 

Only lately, I find it hard to. Enjoy reading that is. I've been so starved for pleasure reading lately that I devour it as soon as it's handed to me, like a homeless and starving man eating his first meal in years. Literally, that's how I've felt while reading the last two works of fiction that I read. 

I like to read though provoking books--at least, I think they're thought provoking, others might disagree. Oftentimes though, these thoughtful, provocative, insightful story lines are often quite sad, and between the pages of my found friend, I often encounter disease, destruction, and death. 

A common theme/sample story line is as follows: person is living life, person is thrown some sort of terrible curveball, person either overcomes obstacle, dies, or does both, end of story. 

This bothers me. Why is it that to be remembered or revered in our society, one must first die? Why can't we celebrate and commemorate the living as well? For that matter, why can't we simply appreciate the normal lives as well as the extraordinary ones? 

But, I digress. I just finished John Green's The Fault in Our Stars. And what a lovely book. Although, I'm sure my boyfriend who sat on the couch next to me while I read (and sobbed) on Saturday night would disagree, it was beautiful and brilliant. Really, to simply say it's a "lovely book" is jipping it. I remember beeing barely a hundred pages in and already feeling like I was living another life, like I was friends with Augustus and Hazel Grace. I was on the edge of my seat, flipping the pages ferociously, glancing at the clock as the morning passed, knowing I need to go but being unable to tear myself away from the saga of their lives. 

TFIOS is about living. It's also about cancer and dying, but to steal a line from the book "dying is simply a side effect of living . . . there will come a time when we're all dead . . ." And that resonated with me. I don't know why really, I guess it's just that in the last year my whole perspective on dying has changed. It used to be this abstract concept that I knew existed, but never really thought about it effecting me, you know? It was something that eventually happened, sure, but that eventually was far off and something that didn't need to be addressed anytime soon. 

Lately, things have happened in my own life though that have made me realize that death is a lot closer than we may realize at times and that our own morality is a lot more frail than we could (or would like to) imagine. And that's a scary and heavy thought. But it's even scarier and a harder pill to swallow when you're not prepared for it. Not only prepared for your own morality, but also accepting and prepared for the morality of others. That's advice from someone in my life I respect and love very much--"you gotta prepare or you'll go crazy". I'm not sure it's possible to prepare as much as that person makes it out to be . . . but I'll give it a shot anyway. 

This next part is going to sound selfish, but this whole new perspective I'm talking about? I'm not so sure it's a great thing. It makes me feel like a jaded, pessimistic, and defeated person. And also, it's made it extremely hard to enjoy a book like TFIOS. There was a time where I would have once gobbled this book up like it was my last meal or like a toddler eats a melting ice cream sundae (see how I'm tying the food in with the reading from earlier? Both essential to life, I'm telling ya), now I can only gently sip on it, just like Hazel Grace sips and sucks on those ice cubes at one point in the book, reading something like this is difficult now. 

At the beginning of the book we first meet Hazel Grace who originally had thyroid cancer that since the original diagnosis, has spread to her lungs. She instantly made me laugh with her dry wit and dark humor. She acts so blase; yet (thanks to the nature of reading) we as readers are allowed a raw insight to her mind and we realize she's actually dying inside (okay, maybe not the best choice of words right there . . .). 

There's this line in the book where she states that she doesn't "want to be anyone's grenade". Hazel Grace doesn't let very many people in. She constantly is shutting people out and not allowing anyone to grow close to her, so that when she finally does "dip out", her death will hurt the least amount of people possible. That resonated with me. 

We all feel this way at times, don't we? We work so hard our entire lives to please people and make the people we love happy, sometimes at the sacrifice of our own happiness (think of how you want to please your parents or teachers growing up). Then, we grow up and suddenly we're allowed to make our own decisions and such and . . . well, it's overwhelming. It's overwhelming as we start realizing the full implications of our decisions and how much of a domino effect each aspect of our lives can have on another. I think we all try our hardest to keep those dominoes from falling and knocking into a grenade. Whether we're dying or not (although, Hazel Grace is quick to remind us we're all dying technically), one of the main goals in our human lives and due to our human nature is to not hurt the people around us that we love the most and hold dear. 

Then, the book took a turn. The entire time I'd been mentally preparing myself for Hazel Grace to kick it. But this is suddenly when we learn that Augustus' cancer (that was eighty percent curable and remission) is back. I wasn't prepared for this at all. Darn you, John Green! But, it's great that Augustus' death snuck up on me so quickly that I barely had time to prepare because in my opinion--regardless (and contradictory to a previous statement about preparation)--that's life. You can't adequately prepare for it. It'll never be enough. Life will still best you every single time. 

This real, resonating feeling . . . I think that that's exactly the sort of feeling a book should leave you with. After finishing, one should feel a rush of excitement  a satisfying feeling of being full and content. Even that feeling of confusion, sadness, and of lost innocence (which sucks at times) all all important and necessary. A good book should linger, the lessons it taught should stag with you forever, just like the memories of a tantalizing meal stick with taste-buds (and you waste-line) forevermore. 

The Inedible and The Incredible

A few days ago I stumbled upon this great blog--it's called The First Mess--and it's all about vegan/vegetarian cooking, cooking with what's in season, just great food in general. And the woman who writes is a great photographer, because all the food looks incredible! And edible, it looks very edible too. Or maybe, it just looks so good because it's all natural. Regardless, you should (I'm just going to assume there's more people reading this than me) all go check it out!

But anyway, I found the blog on the night that I'm assigned to cook at my apartment. My roommates and I all take turns cooking--it's cheaper and we get to try new things! I'm known for trying weird experimental things, so when I came home with a recipe I found on The First Mess for chocolate vegan pancakes, it wasn't really a surprise.

Now, I've never made pancakes before.

And, my first time making them was quite an adventure. The first one (or two) turned out terrible. I mean, they were still tasty, but it looked inedible instead of incredible.

The third time I tried, things came out much better. And I learned that you have to let your griddle get hot enough or else, well, you end up with the first two things I tried to serve my friends. I hid them on the bottom of the pancake pile but eventually, they were discovered. My boyfriend called and wanted to know how they were turning out, and when I sent him pictures, he told me that Worst Cooks in America was still auditioning for next season, thanks boyfriend (Worst Cooks in America is kind of a running joke because we have a friend that is/was on there this season--go Alina Bolshakova!).

But when my roommates bit into the pancakes, it was heavenly. There was moaning and they immediately jumped up to get more--talk about flattering! It made me feel so good.


So, what I'm trying to say here, I guess, is don't give up on things, even if they look positively dismal, such as my first couple of pancakes. Because second (or third) chances are always worth it. And it's always possible to turn the inedible into incredible.

Saving Humanity

The drive and ambition to want to do big, important, life-changing things. . . I used to have that. And I still do in some areas, such as school--I'm like a Spanish Conquistador fighting with the Incas when it comes to schoolwork and academics. Okay, maybe that's a bad simile. But I work hard and take hard classes and keep my grades up and  do extra-curriculars and I'm participating in internships. Seriously, I don't play around, and I'm getting into an awesome graduate school. I am. I am. I am, I'm a-telling yaaaa!

Okay. Rant over. Maybe I have drive when it comes to academics, but I also have a little anxiety and something else--stubborn determination?--too. But anyways, I digress. 

When I was little I wanted to be a doctor. Or a scientist. My kindergarten teacher once called my parents saying that I had said in class that I wanted to prove that gravity wasn't what held us down to the earth. In fourth grade I came home and informed my parents I wanted to be a college professor and have my PhD in history. Then there was the time when I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist (this was the direct precursor to "PhD Dixie") and just be an amazing doctor and help kids feel better. 

But somewhere along the way--and I'm not sure where--I lost the drive and desire to do most of this. I discovered that hospitals are scary and that the law of gravity is already pretty much set in stone. I found out that how much I hated science and math, and to be honest, I wasn't really that good at either subject. And so, the drive to want to become that person slowly dissipated and those dreams slowly started to slip away. .

But lately, I've been feeling them again. We all have people in our lives that we seen in pain and that are sick and that we want to help, and lately, I've not been able to get those people off of my mind. I just want to help them! And that desire has me all nostalgic about my childhood dreams of being a doctor or a scientist (although, I don't think disproving gravity would really help anybody, now that I think about it). 

I don't have the answers and this blog post is more of a rambling mess of inner thoughts than anything. I don't know what I'll do, but I do know that I love anthropology and history. I love museums. And I love and am thankful to the people out there who didn't lose their childhood ambitions of becoming a doctor or a scientist die somewhere along the way on the road to adulthood. So, I suppose I'll get the PhD in studying humanities, and leave the saving humanity up to others, eh?

Side note: I wish I could somehow gain some of that drive that people who want to cure cancer and such posses and apply it to laundry and cleaning dishes. Because that is an area where I lost drive and desire and ambition in my life, and never gained it back. . . 

No Bones About It . . .

I am in love.

Don't worry, you don't need to run the other direction. I'm not about to gush about my boyfriend or talk in great detail about how much I love my dog (and how much he loves me back, I know he does, okay?).

Nope, instead I'm going to gush all about my love for anthropology/archaeology and history. Basically what I'm deciding to do with my life. Beware: nerd moment(s) ahead.

A few days ago I was sitting in my archaeology class and it hit me that I would honestly like to grow up and be just like her. She clearly loves her job and her enthusiasm about anthropology and archaeology is contagious.

Recently we were talking about bioarchaeology. Think of the stereotypical scientist digging in the dirt for little pieces of bones and you basically have a bioarchaeologist. So we're discussing antemortem injuries and talking about this recently found skeleton that had a lead bullet lodged in its spine but didn't die until a number of years later during the Bubonic Plague. Then someone brings up lead poisoning and all of a sudden Dr. Birch launches into this story about the Franklin expedition and what the bioarchaeological record taught us.

For those of you who don't know (I didn't) the Franklin expedition was an exploratory expedition through the Canadian Arctic (Dr. Birch is Canadian). After a short time these four explorers were shipwrecked. Luckily, they had enough food supplies to last months because the food supplies were canned. This is possibly the earliest example we have of humans using canning as a way of preserving food. BUT guess what the tin cans were sealed with?

Lead soldering.

So, eventually by trying to simply stay alive, these unlucky explorers sealed (or should we say unsealed, rather) their fate and eventually lost their minds from lead poisoning  Years later an archaeological team found them buried in the snow, miles from their ship, in a tiny little row boat with the finest china that they'd brought and a baby grand piano.

Lead isn't the only dangerous metal found in ancient times. Iron and copper were among two of the top culprits. Dr. Birch told of us about a conference she went to one time in Ireland where they speaker did an experiment to show how detrimental weapons made of iron and copper could be. To illustrate this the speaker took a grass beach mat, you know like the $1 ones that you use to lay on the sand? Well, he took this and then rolled it up and soaked it in water. Once this is done the grass mat actually has the same density as human flesh (isn't that neat?!). Next, he took two weapons--one a copper weapon and one an iron weapon and cut through the grass mat to demonstrate the abilities and effects of pre-state society weapons.

Okay, so the density of human flesh part might be kind of morbid, but we all have our things that we think are cool, yeah?

Similarly, I think the absolute world of my history professor. He gets so excited and worked up--in his own weird and reserved way--about history. He loves relating history to film and inspiring good, scintillating discussion--such as an in-depth conversation that started off about post-World War I women's fashion and ended up being an intense discussion about androgyny, Emma Watson, homosexuality in the trenches, and the "bromance" of today. I think this is the reason I enjoy his class so much.

For example, we recently watched the movie M by Fritz Lang. A quick (and probably terrible) synopsis for those of you who haven't seen it: post World War I Germany, a vicious murderer on the streets snatching up little kids, he's caught and convicted by the underground criminals. That's it more or less. Peter Lore plays the murderer.

Now, how we related this to our history class is that there's a line where Peter Lore claims he "can't help" killing. Could it be leftover PTSD manifesting? "I don't know, but possibly..." in the words of Dr. Soper.

Basically, I love the class because it gives me an excuse to watch all these cool, old films without feeling guilty and like I'm wasting time.

Although this semester is proving to be a difficult one, it's one that I'm enjoying immensly. And, I've realized, it was one that I sorely needed. This time last year I couldn't get far enough away from history. I had completely lost my passion for it as a discipline because of one bad class. Note: the professor was amazing, it was the actual class that sucked. But now, here I am and I've changed my major back to history again! Or added it back, rather, along with anthropology.

So things are good and golden and peachy at the moment. I'm re-inspired and happy. I'm in love and now you all know. Oh, and he's also in love, but that's a different story...

The Labels of Life

When we're kids we dream of being grown-ups. We play pretend dress up in our mom's heels and jewelry and we pretend to play house, things of that nature (although, in retrospect, I can't imagine why I liked playing house. Now that I have an apartment, I hate cooking and cleaning!). When we're little, adulthood is this coveted and mysterious world that we can't wait to learn the secrets of.

As a kid, there was nothing that would make me happier than to hear the words, "you're like a little adult!" or "you're only eight? I thought you were at least ten!" etc, etc. I would literally squirm with delight.

Now, I'm in twenties (barely, but still). I'm technically an adult, not only by my age, but also by the responsibilities that I've assumed. I'm financially independent from my parents, I live on my own (with roommates) in a decent sized city, and I have a job. Yet . . . if someone called me an adult now, I would squirm uncomfortably.

A few days ago, someone called me a woman. The person who said this meant it as a compliment and the statement was attached to a really sweet sentiment, but hearing "you're an incredible and amazing woman" made me squirm a little. Woman. Not girl. WOMAN.

When I hear the word "woman" two images pop into my head. The first is an image of the stereotypical executive business woman: suit, heels, stern face, hair pulled back in a bun, and generally miserable.The second is the iconic image of Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany's. These are what I think of when I hear the word "woman". Not someone walking around a college campus in teeshirt and jeans. Basically, not me.

Now that I've entered that realm of where people identify me as a woman (apparently) I don't know I'm ready. I don't know I'm ready to be--or even want to at this point--a woman yet. It's the label I guess that freaks me out. It's just weird to have that realization you know?

Well, maybe soon I'll learn some of those secrets of this world we all coveted as kids, until then though, who knows?

iPod's and Introverts

I remember going to New York City on a field trip when I was in high school. Skyscrapers, insane traffic, Times Square, Ellis Island, the Statue of Liberty, and so many other wonders greeted us that first morning when we pulled into the city. You think that one of the landmarks or tourist attractions would be what I remembered most, wouldn't you?

But what resonated with me most was the amount of people that were walking around with iPod's in their ears, totally oblivious to the world around them.

At first, I was (perhaps naively) concerned for their safety. After all, New York City is supposed to be incredibly dangerous right? What if someone came up and tried to mug them? Someone listening to whatever song was popular in 2009 ("Down" by Jay-Z?) wouldn't be able to hear and fend off a mugger. They'd be so easy to sneak up on!

After my silly concern for their safety passed, then I was kind of annoyed. By popping in one's iPod one clearly sends the signal "don't talk to me and don't bother me". These people were being incredibly antisocial and missing out because they were stuck in their own little music world. And, in my opinion, these people were being incredibly rude.

I ranted about this randomly on the trip, driving my friends nuts. And still today if someone asked me what surprised me about New York, my answer would be "the amount of people walking around listening to their iPod's!" But, then I would also have to wryly laugh and add that I'm guilty of doing the very thing that most annoyed me and surprised me about that great city.

A few years after that trip I moved to Athens and started college. And again, a sea of people walking around in their own little world and ignoring people because of the music from their iPod's, greeted me. And again, I had the same exact reaction (Athens isn't New York, but there are definitely still some sketchy areas). Except, I felt like if any thing, things were even worse in Athens and around campus because people would pop their music in and get on the bus and not talk or smile or even acknowledge the person in the seat next to them. And that's heartbreaking (yes, I realize I sound like a sappy old lady).

I'm a little ashamed to admit that I succumbed to the social pressures of my peers. I had been living here maybe two months before one day while I was walking around, I decided to pop my iPod in. And it's been downhill from there. Sure, at first I felt really on edge and like someone was going to rape me because my guard was down, but then I realized why people do it: it's kind of a de-stressor to be able to chill out to the dulcet tones of Missy Higgins or Ray LaMontagne in between classes, ignore that annoying person from your hall freshman year that you don't want to talk to, avoid an awkward eye-contact moment with the guy that lives across from you that you're crushing on, and of course, it's nice to be able to quench the curiosity of what's going on on Twitter or Facebook.

Basically, since that day, thanks to technology, I've kind of become an antisocial introvert when I'm out in public.

Technology is great. It really is. Without technology, can you imagine how different our world would be? With the advent of the internet and social networks like Facebook and programs like Skype and even FaceTime (thanks Apple!), I'm able to keep in touch with friends and family in different parts of the country and even on the other side of the world. And that's pretty neat.

A side note: my dad is just discovering Skype and FaceTime and has within the last six months become obsessed. Another great thing about technology: it's responsible for giving me many laughs (and frustrations) in the last six months as my parents try and learn the ins and outs of FaceTime.

Anyways, as I was saying, iPods, Skype, Facebook (although I prefer Twitter personally at the moment) and oh! blogs of course, are great. But because of them, wouldn't you agree that while our generation is becoming amazing techies, our generation is also becoming increasingly antisocial. But only when faced with real-life situations, you know?

What I mean is that we've becoming social networking nuts. I know that I am guilty of being in the same room with my friends and tweeting at them or texting them instead of just talking to them. Now, I could play this off and say I'm tweeting because it's fun (because it IS!) or I don't want to be disruptive while we're watching The Bachelor, but that would be a lie. Or, at least it would be half a lie--being disruptive while The Bachelor is on is a capital crime. But really, sometimes I'll tweet or text because I have something to say that I'm afraid to say out loud. Or something like that. And that's kind of scary, how technology is simultaneously making us antisocial and emboldening us. Like, whoa.

So, now that I've ranted, I don't really know how to wrap this all up (this always happens to me, fun fact). But I guess I'll end with saying that having written this and remembered how alarmed and weird I felt in New York and when I first moved to Athens, I'm going to try to make a conscious effort to not be that antisocial, awkward introvert. I'm going to try distance myself from my technology. Eventually, I'm going to give it up completely, just like a toddler gives up their binky! No, now that IS a bold-faced lie. I think it's impossible to completely give up technology in the modern, globalized society that we live in. But, I am going to try to talk to that annoying girl from freshman year next time I see her. I am going to try to not check Twitter every five minutes. I'll try to give up listening to Ray LaMontagne in between classes on the bus (although, that's going to be hard). And I'm going to try to leave my iPod and headphones in my bookbag or purse, instead of having it constantly in my ears, while I'm out in public.

But I am probably going to keep avoiding awkward eye contact with the guy at my apartment.

My roommates being introverts with their iPhones and other Apple products. 

The College Bubble

You know when you're in high school and your teachers say, "When you're out in the real world, this isn't going to work" (this is presumably said after you screw up something major)? By the "real world" they mean that ambiguous grey area outside of your high school walls, they mean a time where your world doesn't revolve around Friday night football, or who's dating who.

They're talking about college, of course.

Now, a lot of this petty stuff does still remain in college. But now football games consume your Saturdays, relationships are serious and sometimes complicated, and the world is no longer an ambiguous grey area--instead it's a scary and terrifying reality that you'll be a part of all too soon.

But . . . and this is the part that kind of gets on my nerves: everyone talks about how college is the "real world", yet when you think about it, it's really not. While in college, you pretty much loafer. Sure, you might have a job, but it's a "college kid's" job--meaning it doesn't have any real responsibility and most likely it's fun and something you enjoy. During college, sure, you may pay the majority of your bills or even all of them (if you're "lucky") and you may live on your own and cook for yourself and make your own decisions and all that jazz, but it's not really the real world, is it?

Time is sort of suspended. You don't really have responsibilities (I'm generalizing here) other than to not flunk out. You're in class around fifteen hours a week versus working forty hours like you would if you were in the "real world" or being in class thirty-five like you were in . . . shudder. . . high school. Fifteen hours of required responsibility a week and that's it? That's definitely not what I would imagine the "real world" that everyone spoke of in hushed tones during high school to be like. 

And thus far, it's not. My experience thus far in college has been that while you're a student, you kind of exist in a bubble. 


For example, I spend the majority of my time on campus. The news I read is the campus newspaper. I work on campus. And I live three miles from campus. I go to school in Athens, which is THE definition of a college town (it is, you can't find a better example of a college town than Athens) and it's almost as if life here is stuck inside the college bubble as well. The college absolutely defines my--and everyone else in Athens--life. 

And this isn't a bad thing. I mean, we're in college, we're in our twenties, it should define our lives, I guess. But, it's definitely not the real world; it's a fragile bubble with an expiration date of four (possibly five) years. 

Unless you go on to grad school, of course. But I think that's probably a whole other can of worms.